So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
