Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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