I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
