if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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