The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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