he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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