it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
