The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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