pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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