i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Actions speak louder than pants.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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