my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
