I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
