I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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