I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
