I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize