apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize