I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
