whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
