We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
