apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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