News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
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