My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
