john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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