you would pick up someone in the library
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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