As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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