I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I want to make a zoo with you.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize