At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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