If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
