i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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