I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Randomize
