I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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