we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
