My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
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