bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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