My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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