I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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