Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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