I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
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