man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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