I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
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