I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
