the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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