How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
