So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
