so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Randomize
