i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
