Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
