I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
