The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
