I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
