you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Randomize
