just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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