So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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