sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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