my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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