I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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