If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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