I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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