I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
