If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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