saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Randomize
