i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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