also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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