yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
4 words: hood of his car
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
